What I Love You Means
by Books In the Blood
Summary: When River accuses Simon of not loving her, Simon knows he has to set her right by showing her he cares for her more than anything else in the verse.


_This fic is based on a deleted scene from the episode "Our Mrs. Reynolds " where River asks Shepard Book to marry her and Simon. If you havent seen it you should watch it; Youtube has it. Its hilarious :) This is my first Firefly fic so leave me a review and let me know what you think! Thanks for reading. _

Simon watched as Mal, Saffron and Book walked off down the hallway; he had almost forgotten the disturbing conversation with River. Really, he was hoping she had forgotten about it too.

"Now we have to be married" River said, beside him, rousing him out of his thoughts.

When he turned around he saw River had stuffed a pillow under her shirt and was rubbing it. "I'm in the family way" she said, with surprising conviction.

So much for getting out of talking about this…..Simon groaned inside. He had absolutely no idea where this was coming from. River had some strange notions but this had to be by far one of the strangest. "River…..listen" Simon said softly, trying to approach River with caution so she didn't get too upset.

"What? You don't want to get married?" River asked, her voice tinged with hurt and anger.

"Well, no" Simon said carefully. "But that doesn't mean I don't-" Simon tried to explain but he was stopped when River pulled the pillow out of her shirt and hit him several times on the head with it.

"I'm not crazy!" River yelled, finally dropping the pillow and fixing Simon with a hard stare.

"I know you're not" Simon said hastily, holding up his hands in case River decided to start on him again. "I just…I don't know where you got the idea that you and I should get married?"

The anger passed over River's face and was replaced with a sadness that pulled at Simon's heart. "It's only because I love you" she said, her voice tinged of hurt, his eyes full before she raced off away from him.

Simon was so stunned by the conversation that he was frozen to the spot for several minutes. Where was this coming from? Why would River think it was appropriate for her and him to get married? He knew that she had a child-like innocence at times but he thought she did at least understand the concept of marriage. Maybe it was the business with Mal and Saffron; it was a sudden change and he supposed that she didn't understand what was really going on there. He hadn't really told her about it; hadn't really thought that it was that big of an issue. He didn't know she was paying that much attention to it; he should have known better. But even if she was confused about what was going on with Mal and Saffron, he didn't see why it was making her want to suddenly marry him. He thought about her words; _You don't love me, do you? _Though the very idea was crazy to him, he could see the hurt in her eyes when she said it, letting him know the idea was very real to her.

Resigning himself to a very unpleasant conversation, he began to walk quickly in the direction that he had seen River run off to but he wasn't surprised to find her long gone. When she didn't want to be found, it was like she just disappeared. If she really wanted to hide from him, he wouldn't find her. The longer he searched, the more he began to worry. What had seemed like a crazy and wild notion worried him now; how could River think he didn't love her? He thought back to the dark times, the times before he rescued her. Every time he received another letter from her it was a relief because he knew she was alive but at the same time he grew more worried. She was hurting and scared and he had to get to her. He'd had no allies; certainly not their parents. It was just him and he didn't resent it at all. He didn't care that he had ruined his career or become a fugitive. All he cared about was getting her safe. She was his little sister and he loved her more than anything else. To hear her say that she thought he didn't love her was a problem.

Simon was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't see Kaylee until he bumped into her, nearly knocking her to the ground.

"Wow…..someone's sure in a hurry" she said with a smile, regaining her balance.

"Sorry….I wasn't paying attention" Simon said distractedly.

Kaylee noticed his distress. "You alright? You look kinda upset" she said.

"I'm looking for River…..I can't find her anywhere" Simon said, trying and failing to hide the distress in his voice.

"Is something wrong?" she asked, frowning slightly.

"We just had a bit of a misunderstanding" Simon said vaguely. "She got upset and ran off." The idea of explaining the reason for him and River's misunderstanding made him cringe and he was glad when she didn't ask for more details.

"Well, I saw her talking to Inara a few minutes ago, maybe she's with her" Kaylee supplied helpfully.

"Thanks" Simon said before walking down the hallway toward Inara's room. He hoped that River was still there and his pace quickened, wishing to catch her before she found somewhere impossible to hide. While he'd been dreading to talk to River on the matter moments ago, he now just wanted find her and clear up this horrible misunderstanding.

When Simon reached Inara's room, he knocked quickly, fidgeting as he waited for her to answer the door. When the door opened and revealed Inara, he saw a warm smile on her face; she was expecting him.

"Looking for River, I take it?" Inara asked curiously with a raise of her eyebrow.

"Yeah….is she here?" Simon asked hopeful.

"Yes…she's here" Inara said. "I knew you'd soon follow behind her" She smiled knowingly and Simon found himself curious. He could only imagine what River might have told her.

"Why's that?" he asked.

Inara's smile grew wider. "She just kept going on about 'stupid men'. I figured she must be talking about you."

"Thanks" Simon said sarcastically.

Inara chuckled. "I didn't mean it like that" She said with a warm smile. "I simply meant that she was very upset. You're the only one that can affect her like that; she cares about you deeply."

Simon felt a pang of…._guilt?_ It didn't make sense to him but he felt it deeply. Even though River's thoughts about their relationship made no sense to him he loved her and he didn't want her to be upset, especially not on his account.

"I'll just give you two a moment to patch things up" Irara said. She placed a hand on Simon's arm. "It'll be alright, you know?" The way she said it, so soft and consoling, made it so that he couldn't possibly believe that anything could ever go wrong. She definitely had her ways of putting people at ease.

"Yeah…sure it will" Simon agreed before slipping into Inara's room. River was sitting on Inara's bed, under the covers so that her head made a little mountain in the middle of the bed; it was enough to make Simon smile. That's what she always did as a child when she was trying to hide from him. He crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"River, come out here so we can talk" Simon urged her gently.

"No…..I'm hidden. I'm not here…go away!" River said in the petulant tone of the child that she was at heart. Her brilliance and her child-likeness was what made her so endearing to him. The idea that someone so smart could believe he really couldn't see her hidden under a blanket was charming.

"If you don't come out here, I'll have to go in after you" Simon warned, just like he had every other time she had pulled this on him. She was hurt but deep down she wanted him to come in after her.

River tucked the covers closer around her as if that would help and gave no other reply than an indignant huff of breath.

"Okay…I'll just have to come in after you then" Simon said as he pulled the covers up and climbed into the dark 'blanket cave' River had made for herself, glad that no one else could see this ridiculous sight.

River crossed her arms and huffed even louder, trying to be very obviously annoyed with him. "Go away, Simon!" She spat in his direction, sticking her tongue out at him. He hadn't expected any less from her.

"I can't go away" Simon said seriously. "I can't go way because for some reason you seem to think that I don't care about you and I can't have that."

River let her angered, hurt silence to drag on for a minute before she finally argued. "Well…it's true" in a soft and dejected voice.

"Oh, _mei-mei…._it is not true" Simon said sincerely, putting his hand on her arm to turn her to face him but she shrugged out of his touch and scooted further away. "I love you so much…how can you not see?"

That was enough to anger River to the point that she turned around to face him. "Because you thought I was crazy! I saw how you look at Book when I asked him to marry us! I know you just feel stuck with me!" she burst out passionately, tears gathering in her eyes.

"I'm sorry" Simon said, because he knew he had no doubt betrayed his surprise on his face at that moment. He'd even said that he thought she was crazy to Book but he hadn't meant it. "I really don't think you're crazy. I was just ….really confused. You saying that came out of nowhere."

"Thought it was obvious that I love you….."River said quietly, almost shyly now.

"It is obvious" Simon said. "You're my sister and I know you love me. The marriage thing though, just took me off guard. Why do you want to get married?"

Simon held his breath as he waited for River to answer. He could only hope that her childish honesty would explain her feelings. "When people love each other they get married, right?" River asked curiosity in her eyes.

"Of course they do" Simon explained. "But not brothers and sisters. That's a different kind of love. There are many kinds of love; not all kinds mean you get married. Only romantic couples get married."

"But why?" River asked, throwing her hands out in frustration. "Why do other people get to be together forever and I'm going to lose you just because you're my brother!?"

It was slowly beginning to come together. "You're not going to lose me, River. What makes you think you're going to lose me?" Simon prodded gently.

"One day you're going to marry someone and then you won't need me…..then where will I be?" River asked sadly.

There it was; all of this talk of marriage and Mal and Saffron had gotten River thinking about how he could soon find someone and leave her. River had started to cry, silently, tears running down her face. Simon pushed the covers off of them, knowing she wouldn't fight him now. He turned her around so that she was facing him; he wanted her to understand what he was saying.

"You're going to be here, with me, safe…forever" Simon said, giving her a sincere smile. "No matter what happens I'm always going to need you because I love you."

"But-" River tried to argue but Simon cut her off.

"I turned my back on everything in my old life" Simon said, pulling River closer to sit next to him. "Our family, my friends, my job…for you, _mei-mei_. I know you think that means I see you as a burden but I don't. I did it because even when everyone was telling me I was imagining that you were in trouble, I knew they were wrong. I knew you were in trouble and I could never be okay if I didn't have you safe with me." Simon reached up toward River's cheek and used his thumb to brush her tears off her skin. "I love you more than anyone or anything in all the verse. If someone can't accept that then they don't deserve to be in my life; I won't let anyone get between us."

River turned her face around to look up into his eyes. "Do you really mean that?" she asked. "It's not fair to you."

Simon smiled at her, placing a kiss to her forehead. "I really mean it" he said "And it is completely fair. Anyone who can't accept that you and I look out for each other is not the kind of person I want to marry anyway."

River fixed him with a stare as the smile on her face grew bigger and bigger; in a swift movement she wrapped her arms around him in a fierce hug. "I love you, Simon." She said.

"I love you too, River" Simon said, hugging her back.

"Everything going alright in here?" Inara asked a moment later, poking her head back into her room. Seeing the pair of them, she smiled.

"Everything is great" Simon said, the weight of it all falling off of him.


End file.
